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[filed under life]web 2.0 and life 2.0
Has everyone heard of Web 2.0? Man, I'm not sure what is web 2.0 and what is web (original). I think web original came after the Information Super Highway.

YouTube is deffo Web 2.0, I think mySpace is web 2.0 disguised as web 1.0.

What else are scientists going to improve and upgrade? I'm waiting for Evolution 2.0, a new and improved way of evolving hopefully with guns, fast cars, hot chicks and a big black lady falling over.

Christmas 2.0, this time it's in the summer and I'm santa. Here's your special presents. Why yes! You get two! Horah! Christmas 2.0 would be way better.

Getting Pissed 2.0, now with less hangover and more pub quiz abilities. Less thieving tendencies and more alertness. Plus it's now half price! Wup-wup-woo!

Ok, but seriously, I'm looking forward to Life 2.0, I hope they've improved the character setup options at the start. At the moment it seems like the character abilities such as strength, magic and health are all random numbers. I want some decient character choices:
  • Warrior
  • Mage
  • Elf
  • Link
  • Mario
  • Santa
So you choose your character class, then on to customization, change hair colour, strength, magical abilities, skin colour, eye colour. Man, that'd be sweet. Shit, I forgot one
  • Lara Croft
Oh hell and
  •  Cartman
... so, in Life 2.0 before we actually start the game we want better character customization.

Now during the game I want a better stats page and a clearer idea of how to level up each character type. I mean what fucking level am I currently at? How the hell do I go about leveling up? When I pause the game and select options all I get is a BLANK PAGE. Hello developers!?! Did you even test this?

Life 2.0 also needs a CLEAR PLOT LINE, I am currently very confused as to what I am supposed to be doing next. I am stuck on level 1 and I can not find the end of level boss. So far no one has given me a magic sword. I have no guns. When I kick open crates all I get is abuse, not rubies and emeralds. WTF?!

If I eat green mushrooms I do not grow massive and have special abilities.

No magical fairy god mother or village elder has appeared and told me of an important quest or princess that needs rescuing.

No mysterious old man (possibly a native american indian) has given me a magical pandant and told me of how the land grows dark as Ganandorfs power grows.

I'm not a trained marine, I'm not in a hellicpter about to be air dropped into an alien infested city. And I don't have a fucking big shooter.

SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT?

A better help system, for example no matter how many times I jump and hit my head on blocks I never get any gold coins. What am I doing wrong?

Where is my pet dragon? My magic sword? My bow and arrow? Chainsaw?

Does anyone know of any cheat codes? I have tried hundreds of variations of the famous Konami cheat code, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, START. Where the hell is my B button? Are A and B my nipples? Is START my belly button? Where is the manual?

As far as I can determin when a character dies you have to go back to the start, no one seems to have found a save point. If they do bring out a Life 2.0 the best thing they could include would be - "you have died fighting a bus - press 1 to quit, press 2 for last save point or 3 to continue."

When I approach another non playable character (NPC) and select 'talk' from the menu, they respond with the same old scripted dialog. (And by NPC I am including all characters who are not controlled by me, but by the computer, i.e. everyone else. Apart from you, you are obviously player two.)

The NPC AI and scripted responses are rubbish, infact the NPC AI is so poor, I'm surprised they can pathfind their way out of a paper bag. The car driving AI is non existant, the illusion of NPC intelligence during the driving scenes is woeful. Why bother to include driving in the game anyway? There doesn't seem to be much point in it. Just let us select a location from a menu and teleport there.

Things they got right in Life 1.0:
  • The screen render time is fantastic, even really big explosions don't slow the frame rate down at all.
  • The physics are top notch, objects bounce, break, crumple and smash just like in real life. Amazing.
  • Hundreds of NPCs
  • Large levels with quick loading times.
Over all score for Life 1.0 is 2.5 stars out of 10. Some good ideas but the controls are impossible to master, there is no online help and I simply couldn't complete level 1.

Thank you for reading, here is a 1up mushroom.

This is a random link : this is the new shit (goldfrapp remix) - Marilyn Manson
1st of December, 2006@10:10:50 AM
2 comments, permanent link to article

Comments

[1st of Dec, 2006 @ 02:59 PM]
joe said:
perhaps one of your funniest posts i've read. 2 lines about web 2.0 whatever the hell that is and the rest is genius.
[1st of Dec, 2006 @ 04:09 PM]
Why thank you player 2.

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